i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.

i am so sick of this. did i miss something? can someone please tell me why i can't seem to be happy? god knows, i can't find the answer.

i find myself worrying a lot. i worry about a lot of things. grades. friends. weight. relationships. whatever mood i am in that day, i am always concerned about something.

at the end of fall semester my freshman year, i changed my major and just gave up on classes altogether. i thought "hey. i don't do this anymore. why go to classes?" little did i know how much of a damper that would put on my next two years of school. over winter break, i discovered that my gpa had dropped to a 1.2 and that i was placed on academic suspension. i was invited back, and being a big believer in fate, i knew i was meant to be at school. after a semester of hell, i was recovered to a 1.5 and stuck in gpa purgatory: academic probation. basically, you are allowed to be at school working your ass off, but i can't be involved with any of the shows except for required shop hours. my gpa is now a 1.933 and i am so close i can taste it. even though this is my last semester on probation, i still worry. so many things have gone wrong with academics for me. its almost to the point where i don't think i will ever be able to do anything right. i envy my brother. it seems to come so easy for him.

i have always been a little bit overweight. i bounced from diet plan to diet plan and did many different workouts and even danced at a studio 6 hours a week. still, the weight never came off. the one thing that worked for me was weight loss camps. at the first one i went from 150 pounds to 135 pounds. i had reached my goal. unfortunately, it has all come back and now i'm stuck. i don't really eat food anymore though. its weird. i will be hungry and know it, but for some reason, i don't get an appetite for anything and smells of certain foods throw me off entirely. my goal for the summer is to be back to at least 145 pounds for the summer. it won't be easy, but something's got to give...right?

the bigger problem for me is relationships. mom always said, "don't go looking for someone to be with, sweetie. it will happen." i have listened to her and followed every word of advice i got from her. i should thank her. i'm glad i don't go looking for guys. however, does that constitute every guy i hang out with to see me as just a girl they can "chill" with? i enjoy having guy friends, but i just want something different. a change would be nice. it seems that some guys wear a facade on their sleeve rather than a heart. they play the-perfect-guy card, and at the drop of a hat, they are your "buddy." i honestly have such a large fear of ending up alone. is there something i need to change about myself? am i more of friend material or am i just more off-putting than the average bimbo?

i don't know why i should even try.