im back.

i haven't been blogging for awhile so now im back.

i found out recently that i will not be returning to radford university.
financial issues. so basically, i have to go through the same process as i did senior year of high schoool.

and though i bitch and moan about it, i feel it might be better for me and my family.

im sure i will have more to write later today. im just tired.

investing in safety

last night, april 2, a radford resident's life was cut tragically short when he became the victim of a confrontational shooting. because this act was not a "random act of violence," radford university, despite having been on a campus-wide lockdown until 3 am and causing stress in students eliminating any chance of sleep, decided to continue with their normal scheduling of classes.

so i carry on like any other friday morning, except, i awoke to three text messages from random people saying to boycott classes. that's right. boycott the school for a completely unrelated shooting. yes it is tragic, and yes it is scary, but its not going to stop me from going to class. i can understand this if one was related or the friend of the person who was shot, but when it doesn't even remotely involve someone you know, i don't think its a reason to miss class (especially on a test day,...like today).

one of my friends didn't show to the exam because he would "rather invest in his own safety than risk leaving my house." (note: the perpetrator has not been caught, but was not seen anywhere after the incident; it was not considered a random act of violence, which means his intent was for that one person) it has no direct effect on me, but i felt the need to try and convince them to take the test. he didn't.

my teacher won't let him make it up.
he will probably have to take the class again.

my prayers go out to the family and friends of the victim.
no parent should have to bury their child.

last minute decision.

yesterday, i made quite a last minute decision to go and play music at sharkey's, a local restaurant and bar that hosts an open mic night every tuesday.

i had just finished an exam in my nutrition class and decided to get dinner with friends. when we walked into the bonnie, there was loud music playing. it seemed quasi-gavin degraw. i love gavin degraw. we sat and listened. turns out it was nathan angelo, a great singer who is quite a big deal (this means that i have apparently been living in a cave). how had i not heard his music before?! his falsetto range was absolutely amazing. after his set, he was signing autographs and such.

i decided to ask him a question, rather than ask for his signature.
i asked how he got his start.
as an aspiring musician, he took great interest in what i did.

he said that he started in a small town, much like radford, playing open mic nights in local coffee shops and bars.

okay.
so then i left, grabbed my guitar, and headed to sharkey's. i knew they were still taking sign-ups. i waltzed in, put my name on the list, and waited. unfortunately, i still looked gross from work in shop before that. great.

it didn't matter to the people though. even though i looked a bit "crunchy" and seemed a bit nervous, they liked my music. although they were mostly intoxicated, i felt that their response was genuine. a girl told me that i sounded like haley williams from paramore. i love paramore. i was beaming the rest of the night.

maybe next week i will not be as nervous, and maybe put some make up on.

Today is the day.

i am sitting in cinema. andy is to my left, playing pokemon platinum (nerrrrd), and, to my right, kara is just sitting.

i just realized how i want to change. it all stops today.

You are SO right.

i was sorry to contradict everyone's feelings on the situation. who knew what my opinion meant nothing.

okay, soooo...

my body hurts. that game yesterday was so worth it though.

simple.

today has been okay.
i didn't have my first class.
cinema was great, especially since i hadn't had to wake up earlier for my first class.
and psych was full of rambling.
i got lunch.
i watched donnie darko with sean and kim.
i played apples to apples with kim, cathleen, and erin.
i played candyland with kim and erin.

now i am trying to see what to do tonight.
things seem really simple today.
its nice. i like it.

i am jack's inability to sleep.

this is like dante's ninth circle of hell. i'm sitting on the couch and not moving or doing anything. i am completely aware of time. my mind is racing. i just want to sleep.

constantly questioning

why do i feel that my opinion can not be voiced and be my opinion? its ridiculous how people are constantly questioning my thoughts when they are free to be right every day. sometimes they wonder why i don't state my opinion more. then, they call me passive. then, it turns into this whole issue of me being the one at fault. i am just stating my thoughts. i agree that conversation on a thought is a good thing, especially if the person doesn't have all the facts (and i'm not saying i have all the facts all the time.) its when the conversation turns into an argument or an attack that makes me not want to say anything anymore. from now on, i don't care. say what you want, tell me what you want, but if you ask my opinion, i don't care. whatever.

i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.

i am so sick of this. did i miss something? can someone please tell me why i can't seem to be happy? god knows, i can't find the answer.

i find myself worrying a lot. i worry about a lot of things. grades. friends. weight. relationships. whatever mood i am in that day, i am always concerned about something.

at the end of fall semester my freshman year, i changed my major and just gave up on classes altogether. i thought "hey. i don't do this anymore. why go to classes?" little did i know how much of a damper that would put on my next two years of school. over winter break, i discovered that my gpa had dropped to a 1.2 and that i was placed on academic suspension. i was invited back, and being a big believer in fate, i knew i was meant to be at school. after a semester of hell, i was recovered to a 1.5 and stuck in gpa purgatory: academic probation. basically, you are allowed to be at school working your ass off, but i can't be involved with any of the shows except for required shop hours. my gpa is now a 1.933 and i am so close i can taste it. even though this is my last semester on probation, i still worry. so many things have gone wrong with academics for me. its almost to the point where i don't think i will ever be able to do anything right. i envy my brother. it seems to come so easy for him.

i have always been a little bit overweight. i bounced from diet plan to diet plan and did many different workouts and even danced at a studio 6 hours a week. still, the weight never came off. the one thing that worked for me was weight loss camps. at the first one i went from 150 pounds to 135 pounds. i had reached my goal. unfortunately, it has all come back and now i'm stuck. i don't really eat food anymore though. its weird. i will be hungry and know it, but for some reason, i don't get an appetite for anything and smells of certain foods throw me off entirely. my goal for the summer is to be back to at least 145 pounds for the summer. it won't be easy, but something's got to give...right?

the bigger problem for me is relationships. mom always said, "don't go looking for someone to be with, sweetie. it will happen." i have listened to her and followed every word of advice i got from her. i should thank her. i'm glad i don't go looking for guys. however, does that constitute every guy i hang out with to see me as just a girl they can "chill" with? i enjoy having guy friends, but i just want something different. a change would be nice. it seems that some guys wear a facade on their sleeve rather than a heart. they play the-perfect-guy card, and at the drop of a hat, they are your "buddy." i honestly have such a large fear of ending up alone. is there something i need to change about myself? am i more of friend material or am i just more off-putting than the average bimbo?

i don't know why i should even try.

I overdid it at the soda shop.

i keep thinking that i have this hangover octopus on my head and it is slowly destroying any chance of this being a good day.

i want to pay my rent in algebraic equations.

oh. my. god. look at the check someone wrote to verizon. posted on failblog.org this morning.
<------------- that, my friends, is quite the "win."

so today, i woke up early to do a last bit of an assignment for my cinema class. as i finish the project, i check my email. his class is cancelled. unfortunately, that doesn't apply to the other two i have this morning.

ah...a gloriously cloudy morning, with the hopes of evolving into a beautiful, sunny, 70 degree day.

a word for the wise: nothing heals hangovers more than an asiago cheese bagel and cream cheese from au bon pain. best breakfast ever.

so, my psych class was supposed to begin at 12 this afternoon. my teacher is quite the rambler and hasn't started lecture yet. it is 12:20. ugh. just get me out of this room and into the sun!

immediately after i was done with classes at 1, i decided to play guitar on the quad. my friends and i were outside for 3 hours.

i have no idea what the rest of the day will bring.

Drunken Lullabies

what's up everyone?

my name is parker. i am 19 and a theatre major at radford university (go highlanders.) this should basically clarify somethings i say, but others will be explained if needed.

i am happy to know that my blogging debut falls on such a marvelous occasion. today is the celebration of st. patrick and the usual activities involve getting drunk and interacting with friends as loudly as possible. my day has seemed to consist of nothing but classes and working in the theater scene shop. here's how it all went down. i woke up to a recording on my phone that my wasted friend had sent me the night before. it said "good morning baby angel. time to wake up." i literally thought there was a rapist or some creeper leaning over my bed and telling me to wake up. if you can imagine, the creepiest, stalker-like whisper telling you that you are a "baby angel,"you wouldn't want to stay in bed either. i must have jumped so high .5 seconds after hearing that first syllable. after my horrific morning wake up, i got ready and then went to class. we discussed comic technique and other things that make us laugh. during discussion, i realized that almost everything makes me laugh. after that, i had 2 hours before working in shop for 4 hours. all i wanted was to celebrate the holiday! but unfortunately, i was stuck with the most annoying people on my assignment. this guy i was working with (i forgot his name) was completely questioning everything i said (making me second guess myself.) this also made me look like an idiot in front of our assistant technical director, david m. later, when i asked for his approval on my project, he sympathized with me on working with the guy. i love when things like that work out. the other person i was working with, some girl (her name slips my mind, as well), decided that she wasn't going to say anything, or do anything the entire time. i think she said something in agreement once, but i knew she didn't know what she was talking about. i decided not to go to my last class and stayed home hoping that everyone would be willing to drink with me. unfortunately, everyone had rehearsal for our spring show, medea. i was at my apartment. alone and sober.

now, im sitting on my couch, like most weekday evenings, waiting for something to happen.

hopefully sooner than later.